Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Not Your Mama's Dress Code

Yesterday I was channel surfing while blow-drying my hair while making up the bed, (yes, I'm a ridiculously unreformed and unrepentant multi-tasker), when I ended up on the beauty pageant for little kids show. Have you seen this? Have you seen what they do to these children? I would seriously like to sic Dog the Bounty Hunter on some of those parents.

I realize as Belle of All Things Southern this might be a surprising position for me to take, so let me clarify. I've never been in a beauty pageant, (true, no big surprise there) but as a general rule, I don't have a problem with them. Wait, let me correct that. I LIKE them-- if the contestants are old enough, say, to go to the bathroom by themselves. Driving age is even better. My daughter and I have popped many a bowl of popcorn and watched a ton hundred of older girls and younger women compete. And before that, it was me and my mama watching 'em together and cheering for Miss Louisiana regardless of what she looked like that year. So, there are our bona-fide southern credentials.

Now, this isn't the first time I've caught the show. And in the interest of fairness, I've actually seen a few parents who didn't remind me of Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest and a few children who may not need psychiatric treatment, soon. But frankly, I'm afraid they're in the minority.

I was already grieving for some of those wee ones when I heard something with my own two ears that I haven been unable to digest. It was right before the bathing suit division started. One of the pageant officials was recapping the rules to the camera when she said, "Many of our contestants wear one piece swim suits. We allow two pieces, as well, but we do not allow thongs."

No thongs for the wee ones?! Well now, I was in the process of saying to no one in particular, "Thank the Good Lord there's a tiny bit of common sense left" when the woman actually finished her sentence with this startling observation, "it takes a perfect body to wear a thong."

Really? Really?! Are you stinking kidding me? The only reason they don't allow three year olds to parade around in thongs is because "it takes a perfect body to pull it off?!" That's the sort of thinking that really should be criminal. And frankly, it renders me practically speechless and that is some kind of hard to do. (Just ask my husband.)

About the only thing left for me to say is, "Anyone got Dog on speed dial?"



  1. I want to go on record saying that's not the reason some people don't wear them. I believe the real reason is this: We spend a great deal of time trying to avoid the dreaded "letter in the mailbox" (hate the word wedgie) so why on earth would we do it on purpose? Thanks for the giggle -- now I must go schedule my 4 month old contestant's spray tan.

  2. Letter in the mailbox? I guess I live under a rock, Ms. Queen. That's a new one for me! You make me laugh, too!

  3. Little kids are under pressure to wear thongs? No wonder they are sinking under depression by age thirteen. Guess they are pretty lucky i wasnt there to hear that remark or theyd be needing more than a thong. Outrageous.

  4. It's no wonder so many young girls are in (or in need of) therapy by middle school!! I'm so glad my mother never put me through that... but I'm with you about watching with popcorn. Mama and I cheer on Miss Georgia though... but if she doesn't make it to finals, we just cheer for whichever Southerners make it. We all know real beauty is found down here.

  5. Hey Miss Preppy! I saw you had commented, and somehwo, before I read it, I knew you'd feel the same way! :) Hope the schooling is going well for you.

  6. OH PLEASE OH PLEASE call the DOG bounty hunter show and see if you can get them to stir this pot. The sexualization of pre-pubescent girls is . . . well one would want to say - criminal. yes, the dog. bring on the Dog.