I realize as Belle of All Things Southern this might be a surprising position for me to take, so let me clarify. I've never been in a beauty pageant, (true, no big surprise there) but as a general rule, I don't have a problem with them. Wait, let me correct that. I LIKE them-- if the contestants are old enough, say, to go to the bathroom by themselves. Driving age is even better. My daughter and I have popped many a bowl of popcorn and watched a ton hundred of older girls and younger women compete. And before that, it was me and my mama watching 'em together and cheering for Miss Louisiana regardless of what she looked like that year. So, there are our bona-fide southern credentials.
Now, this isn't the first time I've caught the show. And in the interest of fairness, I've actually seen a few parents who didn't remind me of Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest and a few children who may not need psychiatric treatment, soon. But frankly, I'm afraid they're in the minority.
I was already grieving for some of those wee ones when I heard something with my own two ears that I haven been unable to digest. It was right before the bathing suit division started. One of the pageant officials was recapping the rules to the camera when she said, "Many of our contestants wear one piece swim suits. We allow two pieces, as well, but we do not allow thongs."
No thongs for the wee ones?! Well now, I was in the process of saying to no one in particular, "Thank the Good Lord there's a tiny bit of common sense left" when the woman actually finished her sentence with this startling observation, "it takes a perfect body to wear a thong."
Really? Really?! Are you stinking kidding me? The only reason they don't allow three year olds to parade around in thongs is because "it takes a perfect body to pull it off?!" That's the sort of thinking that really should be criminal. And frankly, it renders me practically speechless and that is some kind of hard to do. (Just ask my husband.)
About the only thing left for me to say is, "Anyone got Dog on speed dial?"